When “Balance” Becomes Unhealthy

On the outside it might look like you have it all together, work, exercise, meditation, time with your family, the whole balanced life. But what if I told you that balance, the way that you’re doing it, might be hurting you? Today we’re talking about when balance becomes unhealthy and how striving for perfection in your personal life can leave you feeling more stressed than fulfilled.

Let’s dive in. Welcome to Calmly Coping. I’m your host, Tati Garcia. I’m a licensed therapist and a high functioning anxiety coach. Calmly Coping is the podcast for people who struggle with anxiety and high functioning anxiety. Each Wednesday, you’ll hear informative episodes with actionable tips about decreasing anxiety, adopting a healthy mindset, and managing your time and energy so you can live a calm and balanced life.

Let’s get started. Thank you so much for tuning in. So when does what we think of as balance start to become unhealthy? Now first I think it can help to get a sense of what balance is and when I’m referring to balance I’m specifically talking about work life balance and having balance when it comes to your life, lifestyle, all of that stuff between working and between personal things.

This can include self care, hobbies, time with loved ones. Anything that is separate from your working life. And this might seem like a counterintuitive topic because I often talk about balance again and again on this podcast. However, there is nuance to the topic because I think when a lot of people think about balance, they think about this perfect kind of split between work and personal life.

And that doesn’t reflect reality. Things come up. It’s not always possible to have perfect balance and that’s okay. Okay. Now when balance can become unhealthy is what I notice in a lot of high achieving individuals, where they can turn their self care and their personal endeavors into another checklist, into another form of achievement.

And it becomes, okay, I need to check off my meditation for today, my workout, do you know, my time with my family. do all of these things, and then I’ll feel like I have achieved enough. Then I’ll feel satisfied at the end of the day because I’ve gotten these things done. It turns into more of an achievement and an accomplishment than about what we’re actually getting from the thing, than about actually doing the thing for the sake of enjoyment and fulfillment.

And that’s when it can become unhealthy because. It’s not necessarily balance. Sure, on the outside, it appears like you’re doing all of these things and getting all of the right quote unquote things done. However, on the inside, you may not be feeling like you’re balanced. You may not be feeling fulfilled, or you may not be feeling enjoyment from the things that you’re doing.

But on the contrary, you might be actually feeling more pressure and putting more stress upon yourself to do things a certain way because you feel as though that is what should be done, because that is what is expected from you. When a lot of times, these expectations we’ve internalized and we put upon ourselves.

Balance isn’t about doing all the things perfectly. It’s about how you feel in the process and it’s about listening to yourself because balance is not something that is linear or that is a perfect formula because that’s not how we work as humans and it’s important to have a balance. a finger on the pulse so to speak to get a sense of how you’re feeling and tune into what it is that you need in any moment rather than just kind of arbitrarily going for this checklist of things that you should be doing or this rigid plan because that’s not always what we need in the moment and especially if the intention behind it is rigidity and pressure and being hard on yourself when you don’t follow through with these plans that you’ve made and with these routines and habits then that can make you feel even worse in the long run and actually make it harder to stick with the things that, you know, help you to feel better and help you to take care of yourself.

Especially when you’re doing things out of obligation and shoulds, like I mentioned before, rather than from a place of desire, rather than a place of asking yourself, what is it that I need in this moment? You are focusing on what should I do? What is it that I? a person who has balance does rather than connecting with and listening to yourself.

And recognizing the signs of being in this unhealthy place of balance is important to help you to get a sense of where you might be harming yourself more and how you can get out of it. Some of those signs can be rushing through your personal time just as something to check off the list rather than actually enjoying the process.

Maybe you’re feeling guilty for not doing enough or feeling like you failed when you haven’t gotten the things that you wanted to done, whether it’s certain healthy habits or any other expectations you have for yourself. So there’s a sense of pressure, anxiety, or guilt that you’re experiencing. And maybe you’re treating balance like an achievement, like a competition, something that you need to fulfill, you need to get all of these things done, and then you’ll feel satisfied and then you’ll feel like you’ve accomplished enough rather than actually thinking about what it is that you’re doing and the process of doing it.

and the joy of doing it. You’re more focused on the outcome of, all right, let me get this streak. And this is another topic, but I think sometimes that’s why tracking metrics can be harmful for individuals who tend to be high achieving and especially those who struggle with perfectionism. because, you know, when I talk about metrics, I’m referring to, let’s say if you’ve ever used an app that you get a streak.

So I’ve heard a lot of people who use language learning apps. It gives you a streak of practicing every day, or if you’ve ever used a meditation app and it’s like, okay, you have a 10 day streak of meditating daily or anything like that, where you are tracking those kinds of metrics. That can sometimes be more harmful than helpful because it puts you in the place of doing something just because you want to maintain that streak and check something off of a list rather than for the sake of doing the thing.

And this isn’t to say that every time somebody who is engaging in something that they’re tracking metrics, they’re or maintaining a streak is a bad thing because consistency is super valuable and helpful to help you to learn new skills, to maintain healthy habits. However, it’s when you get to the place of okay, I missed a day and that means that I’m a failure and you’re being really hard on yourself and you’re being really critical and putting all this pressure or feeling as though it’s this all or nothing thinking that you need to maintain this streak, otherwise you’ve completely failed and then you start to feel discouraged and you fall off.

That’s when it can turn unhealthy. Now let’s talk about what does a healthier definition of balance look like? What does that even mean? Because like I’m talking about, it’s not something that is clear. It’s not something that looks the same for every single person. person and there’s a lot of nuance in it and there’s a lot of change that can happen even within your own routine or schedule that can look like balance.

You know, for me recently I had a few days where I was working longer hours and working late into the night and so balance for me looked like taking the next morning off, you know, taking it easier, slower the next few days when I was able to so that I could follow up. that period of working harder with rest, maybe for you, it can look like following those seasons of working harder and following it up with rest.

Maybe it can look like when things are busier, you’re going to have a more limited self care routine and rather than doing a half hour workout, you’re going to do a 15 minute workout. Rather than doing a 15 minute meditation, you’re going to do a five minute meditation, whatever it is. It’s about listening to yourself and being realistic with where things are and how much time you have, but also how much energy you have and what it is that you need.

Maybe if you’re feeling really drained, then that looks like a low impact workout rather than something that’s really high intensity. Or maybe that looks like, you know, spending time with a friend on a chill night rather than going out to a big party. party where you’re going to be socializing. Or maybe that looks like spending time in relaxing, watching a movie with family, rather than going out for a nice dinner.

It’s about listening to yourself and whenever you can, adjusting and modifying things in order to have fun. ask what it is that you need in this moment. Of course, it’s not always possible to give yourself exactly what you need to constantly be modifying your plans. That’s okay. That is another part of not being in this place of rigidity and perfectionism, but realizing that things can’t always go the way that you want them to or that you need them to.

And that’s life. And how can you be compassionate with yourself despite not being able to address your needs in this moment? And another important part of balance is engaging in activities for the process, for the joy and the fulfillment that you get from them, being present for them, whether that is for your exercise routine in the morning or time with your loved ones, making that time something that you can enjoy, and maybe that looks like choosing things that you enjoy rather than things that you feel like you should be doing.

because you feel like you have to. For me, that can sometimes look like ideally I want to be doing weight training. However, I’m not always in the place to feel motivated to do that. And so maybe I’ll modify that and do a yoga practice instead. That’s just one small example, but it can be about doing something that if you know, it’s going to be a stressful thing and obligation, especially if this is something that you’re doing for yourself.

Are you really getting a benefit from that or are you just doing it because you feel like you need to check something off the list and you feel like you quote unquote should be doing this? Yes, there is something to be said for working towards long term gratification, and that’s not always about doing exactly what we want in the moment.

However, if you’re constantly pushing yourself and doing things that you don’t want to do or that really aren’t enjoyable for you or you’re not able to enjoy the process, process. That’s not necessarily going to give you that long term fulfillment that you are seeking out. And maybe that looks like letting go of tracking metrics and being kind to yourself and understanding.

And also that can look like lowering expectations. So maybe instead of having a workout routine for five days a week saying, I’m going to work out three days a week. Now I’m using exercise and meditation and time with loved ones in this episode a lot as examples, but this can apply to any and everything.

It doesn’t have to just be about these things, but it can be beneficial to be realistic and honest. kind of plan for the unexpected. I really like to do this in keeping open space in my schedule whenever possible so that I can have extra time for the unexpected things that come up. This can also look like lowering expectations and making plans early less than what I think I’m able to so that if I’m able to do more, great, then I’m exceeding expectations. But if not, then I’m not going to feel discouraged or have that tendency to be hard on myself or beat myself up. And all in all, I am way, way far away from being in that place of doing that. I really used to be like that in the past, but through this work and through consistency, I have really transformed myself talk so that I’m not in this place of rigidity.

So I’m not in this place of perfectionism. or being in this place of checking all the things off the list, but then still not feeling satisfied or fulfilled with my personal time. And that’s something that I’ve helped plenty of my clients with. And I know that it’s possible for you as well. If you’re interested in learning more of the steps to help you to achieve a calm mind, balanced life, and empowered confidence, so you can feel good enough from within in 90 days, then you can take my free training on this topic.

You can go to calmlycoping.com/workshop to learn more and to watch the training for free. And remember, true balance is about living in alignment with your needs, not about checking off all the boxes perfectly. So maybe you can reflect on places where you can soften your expectations and enjoy the process more.

While you wait for next week’s episode, I have other episodes about calming your mind, improving work life balance, and feeling more confident from within. Thank you so much for tuning in today, and until next time, be calm. Thanks so much for listening. If you like what you heard, please share this episode with a friend.

And please subscribe and leave me a review on iTunes. Also, remember to check me out online at CalmlyCoping.com and connect with me on Instagram at TatianaGLPC. All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own mental health provider.

Please consult a licensed mental health professional for all individual questions and issues. Till next time, I’m Tati, and this has been Calmly Coping.